Ben Taylor

Ben took the free ColorQuiz.com personality test! "Seeks affectionate, satisfying and harmonious relationships." Click here to read the rest of the results.

I really wasn't expecting it to describe me so accurately. You need to follow the link here or take the test yourself to appreciate the emotional detail offered in this test's analysis. Thanks to glazzal for pointing out this test.

Notably, my biggest issue with ColorQuiz's results are that it's incorrect on one subtle but important point. He feels this adverse situation as an actual tangible pressure which is intolerable to him and from which he wants to escape, but he feels unable to make the necessary decision. I agree up to my wanting to escape, but I believe that I have made the necessary decision, very recently. But I think I can forgive an analysis adminstered by machine for missing something so fine.

It's seems remarkable to me that a test taken by selecting favorite colors can reveal so much that's hidden. Perhaps it's possible precisely because you don't usually think of covering yourself or self-censoring when you respond to "What is your favorite color?" I suppose now I'll have to find out a little more about this mysterious Dr. Max Lûscher, who developed this idea.

(Responding to my friend Kelly, who wrote: I firmly believe that kindness is the most crucial thing that isn't getting enough coverage or appreciation in this world. People see news about corporate evil, violent crimes, bizarre conspiracies, etc., etc., but we seldom hear about people who are actually carrying out the golden rule in their daily lives.)

I wish to gently disagree with you. It occurs to me that kindness, or by extension virtue, will always tend to appear unremarkable, whether the medium is journalism or art. To the degree a society does sustain itself we can expect its members to approve of most of its events. Somebody somewhere is refilling a supermarket cooler with milk jugs, carefully and promptly. A child completes her math homework, though the last two problems troubled her. A librarian has patiently directed a stranger again to the correct stacks for the books they need. Good things must happen all the time, or else society collapses.

I think you've expressed in a general way the urgency we must feel after any exceptionally good event. Appreciation certainly has its place in our societies. This is an ordinary, common-place observation, because daily we hope for appreciation by others and we desire to share our admirations. Since good events happen all the time, the acts of kindness we notice must represent exceptional ones. A friend is there to talk every time you need to talk, or has a good excuse otherwise. A friend gives you lunch on a traumatic day. A friend entertains you with a classic movie and popcorn when you're down and out and have few options to do anything. It would feel wrong not to acknowledge such things when they happen to us.

You're free to argue that we could acknowledge kindness to a greater degree, but the project of communicating the wonderful things we do for each other already flounders on supernumeracy. In other words, we can easily find faults in our social system, but selecting its best features leads us to greater disagreement.

So it seems unremarkable to me that bad news predominates our widest forms of communication (911 and the Emergency Broadcast System come to mind), just as good news does in our most intimate encounters. So rather than kindness missing coverage, I imagine it's humanity. I want to describe it as our universal mystery of being, or our collective consternation. We have a bad tendency to shorten the mess up by limiting who we consider human, or else limiting what human is. And we don't share enough examples of different people being human, which I think you'd agree would include many instances of other humans being kind.

I can't really explain why it's taken me so long to develop discipline (assuming I indeed have). I wonder if I got as far as I did with school and career because of something resembling talent, because it'd be hard to attribute my successes to persistent and dedicated effort. I couldn't say that I didn't understand how many minor applications in the same direction can yield profound results, because the world is filled with examples by great artists and scientists. Perhaps I'm just a slow student of life.

But setting that aside, I'm ready to get myself a job, because I have a Plan. This time it's going to work, I'm going to get paid, and a new and beautiful world will dawn. Still, excuse me if you've heard this before:

The Plan

• Relax
  
• Warm up my skills
  
• Practice my responses
  
• Discover job leads
  
• Check-in with my people
  
• Write to prospects
  
• Schedule interviews
  
• Get a job
  
• Have fun
  
• Organize my shit
  
• Publish my findings
  

See, I'm just putting it all down. Each of these are my necessary conditions to getting a Real Job. Now's the time to set aside my shame and grief. If I'm going to have the programming software engineer coding geek job I deserve, I must do certain things:

Relaxation

Each day should begin with due respect for the mind mysterious. I like to practice breathing meditation followed by T'ai Chi.

Skills

A programmer's gotta have the right skills, and using the skills is the best way to keep them and acquire them. This also builds my confidence, and can be fun too. (But some books from Microsoft are quite dull, bleh.)

Interview responses

When I was younger I assumed I could simply go talk. Perhaps I was less anxious, too, but no matter. Most interviewers will ask me some common questions, questions I can anticipate. Writing responses beforehand presents me an opportunity to take control of these daunting encounters.

Market research

Usually you've got to look for the jobs before you get one. Even when I don't need to, knowing something about their business is a great way to get a company to pay attention to me.

Networking

Though I wouldn't want to be an inconsiderate twit about it, I could discover a great job opportunity from anybody I know. So if you know of an opening for a computer programmer, could you pretty please pass it on? Thanks!

Cover letters

I always write my own cover letters, and I can really struggle to get them right. Unlike bored individuals surfing LiveJournal, the person hiring for the job I want may not have limitless patience and compassion. So the conditions for reading cover letters compel brevity and a particular structure, but choosing the best material or how to express it can be quite challenging.

Interviews

Course, once I've entered the interview I can only hope my preparation's good enough. Paying attention is always the key: listening well to the other person, showing appropriate manners to strangers, and showing my engagement to the conversation. People want to know that I'm there and interested in their concerns, and if all the other stars have aligned then I have a pretty good chance.

Having fun

Playing Kingdom of Loathing may not directly get me a job. But while I'm writing a list of everything I'm doing so I end up with a job at the end without admitting that I'm going to be holding my PlayStation controller at some point, then I simply wouldn't be being honest with myself.

Organization

Like my self-discipline, this is another work in progress. This could be the subject of a whole other post, though I can say I'm entertaining some new ideas. Achieving better organization would help me avoid grievious errors and bolster my self-confidence.

Going online

I should fit the model of a good programmer in other respects too. In my mind, that would include raising my flag on the 'Net. I hope that people will find me through my postings here, and see a little better who I am. 'Publishing my findings' may even help other readers, or inspire them to contribute something useful I haven't tried.

Or maybe it's just that I feel lonely. While I had that computer training situation last winter, I felt pretty good about myself and met a lot of people each day. When I left I intended to start volunteering again at the VOC, begin my T'ai Chi classes again, and drive into the city every Saturday for Jayce's lunch meets, to evade this depression hit. Maybe that could've worked if I'd started promptly. Certainly while I'm by myself its easier to dwell on self-criticism.

In the past I socialized a lot online, so it's plausible to expect I could make it happen again through blogging, but it's difficult to write not knowing who I'm writing for. Nobody may find it, but its not safe to consider this a private journal. Assuming its public I also would like this to gain the qualities which make a blog worth reading: concise, regular updates and interesting material. Perhaps I shouldn't worry too much yet about "interesting material"; my friendly readers will probably be satisfied to read about me or what I'm finding interesting. Concision and regularity are liable to be my greatest adversaries.

I began today by watching some new anime fansubs. Negima looks like a brainless, fun romantic comedy series. Lucky Star is just insane, particularly the Lucky Channel segment with super idol Minoru Shirashi. Claymore may turn out to be an interesting horror series, but if not it's got a hot tsundere protagonist. Unfortunately, Gurren Lagann made me aware that I'd lost AAS soft subtitle support in Mplayer (why hasn't Gentoo folded that in yet?), but I'm eager to see what Studio Gainax is up to this year. There's some brouhaha on the grapevine about episode 4 and 2ch. I can't wait.

My room has become distressingly disorderly; I might feel better about myself if I can sort it out today. There's so much shit I need to take care of, but this most of all.

Next door to the vets' computer lab, a new coffeehouse has opened up where a hardware store had closed up a few months ago. I like coffee and coffeehouses, so I walked in two weeks ago to check it out. I saw shining wood floors, new coffee hardware and empty bookcases: a promising start. But that day I'd imposed on them to break a dollar for change without ordering a cup, so I felt obligated to revisit them promptly. Today I did, and quickly saw that this shop was something more than I'd presumed it was. Equal=Grounds is in fact a promising, GLBT-friendly coffeehouse. Four virile young servicemen sat in a painting facing the register, which had beside it a rainbow mousepad. A selection of gay interest VHS & DVD titles, including Priest, In & Out, and Priscilla: Queen of the Desert, stood on sale to the left of the counter. The bookshelves in the back were now stacked with titles & colors to appeal to its chosen customers. A beautiful hand carving of an elephant's snout hung signifigantly on a door jamb.

I wish I could say I was not distressed at all. I've had excellent gay and transexual friends, and empathize strongly with their interests in fair treatment & social acceptance. Of course they deserve a friendly community spot to dissect the last Image/Out film festival over a cup of java. So what for did I feel this urge to run & hide? I'm not a closet -phobe, am I? If these folks can put up with the dominant fixation's love notes to itself 90% of the time, surely I can put up with a few tasteful male nudes. Or is "putting up with" what I should expect of myself for enjoying a cup of coffee? But a community that so consciously values the personal discovery of pleasure wouldn't select against a sensitive straight guy, surely not? Aahh, I get so confused!

Psychoanalytically I suppose that I'm worried about my intellectual integrity, that I might be perceived as feigning PC-ness for points, as if one could only appreciate their contribution to the common culture if you were looking to hook up with them. Or maybe my own hangup got engaged by this scenario. You tell me.

I care about my writing. I choose words deliberately, and avoid needless expression. But knowing what would genuinely interest readers is often difficult, particularly in this context. What's interesting about my day, my interests, or my problems?

Perhaps that question is an appropriate focus for my blog. LJ provides for comments, so contribute feedback, please. A hundred, a thousand, a hundred thousand ask for this: the typical human drive for contact. What is so interesting about my question? The answer seems to lie in the context.

I care about computers. I've known how to program for two decades now, and I've used the Internet for 16 years. The genial abstractions of computer science fascinate me; I'd like to return to college eventually to do graduate work. At present I teach at a computer lab & diagnosis PC's for local vets.

I care about games; both electronic and non. I watch anime, read manga, and appreciate other elements of Japanese culture such as soba noodles and Zen Buddhism. (My old alias, MacGuges, is reference to a favorite manga.)

I worry about the war and my country. I grew up here in America & can remember the warm feelings of pride I'd have on Flag Day. Yeah, I was born into the place founded on rational humanitarian principles! It saddens me what vengeance & duplicity has been done for "9/11", and I continue to donate to the Red Cross.

I enjoy conversation & fair argument; it's valuable to me to keep up my rhetorical chops. I value doubt over faith. Beliefs will happen, but confusion precedes discovery. We ought to make the most of such opportunities.

Hail Eris!